What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 05:36
I think the readers, may guess!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One cannot live in the past .
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Would this be the day?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My family never makes their pension either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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I will be 64.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Are Turks ashamed of their Islamic heritage?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She loved him until the end.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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And i lived it daily.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Comes on , in middle age.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
When she asked me how she looked .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I said to her
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Put me off passion for life!!
I waited trembling.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was in good health!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it wasn’t much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was seconnd youngest,
So, i spoilt her more .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Who then, do I blame.?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I write beautiful poetry .
All the time i was locked up.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She wouldn,t have been !
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
This is soul school!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So whats the point in blame.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I don,t even have a pension.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Especially a lifetime of it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was very sick at this time too.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She married twice! .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But, we were locked up after school.
She found it foreign!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Ive learnt so much.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He resisted the act ,that day.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We all went to grammer schools
What did i know ?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I couldn’t, believe it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I have no regrets .
He knew the spot.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We were not on the streets..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was scared of men, in general
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It was going to be , some day.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was 9 years of age.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im still living with it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My life is so biszare .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The only rule us 5 kids had .